We’re surrounded by zombies. They’re just plain everywhere and lucky for you I’m here to help with some basic preparations to keep yourself from turning into one. Here’s a quick list of 5 different kinds of zombies you’re more than likely to run into nearly every day
1) The Corporate Zombie
Description: This is the person you see at work who only seems to be present physically. They’re really GREAT at attending meetings and staring at the clock, counting seconds. This zombie is moderately viral and is usually the worker who’s been there too long with no desire to get promoted.
Method of infection: Looks for someone to complain to whom shares his/her point of view and gets the victim to empathize with them until the victim succumbs to corporate zombiehood.
Defense: Best to avoid eye contact with this zombie, or they will flock to you like teenage girls to a Justin Beiber cardboard cutout. If you do end up cornered with no escape route planned, the best plan of action (besides a swift somersault through the legs and knocking the stacks of extra paper over for a diversion) is deflection. A couple “Uh-huhs” and throw in an “I know!” and you will get out of effective range in a short period of time. These zombies aren’t fast moving so a quick pace will also help them lose interest in you almost immediately.
ALTERNATE: Outline your idea for a “Jump to conclusions” mat.
2) Commuting Zombie
Description: You’ve seen those guys on the freeway. Blank stare, not focused on anything in particular, just going through the motions to get to work in the morning and during the afternoon rush hour commute. Sometimes you’ll even get that sideways slow-motion glance that reads “UUUUuuunnngghhhh”.
Method of infection: These zombies don’t reach out and infect, but you still have quite the danger spike of becoming one. Every time you get caught in rush hour traffic, your infection meter raises slightly.
Defense: ”But I can’t help getting caught in traffic! I commute 90 minutes to work one way every day!” Keep that infection meter down in the green by keeping your brain active! Do a Sudoku puzzle, read the newspaper, or make your lunch while waiting in line on the highway. It’s a win win here folks, you are being productive on your way in AND you prevent your brain from turning into tasty tasty mushy zombie applesauce.
3) The Non-Blinkers
Description: How long can you stare at a screen? These guys are champs. Professionals. They can stare at a screen for an entire Team Death Match game in Call of Duty without blinking and still finish with an 8:1 kill ratio.
Method of infection: They once were your best friend from elementary school, everything was butterflies and unicorns farting rainbows. Now all their time and energy goes into World of Warcraft, or Call of Duty. You still want to hang out so what do you do? You ask the question “So how does that game work?” and then it’s game over. You’re done.
Defense: Your best friend has turned, and if you cut him off from his lifeline cold turkey he’ll most likely die. Again. Hang out in the same room with them while they’re getting their daily fix then WHAM! Hit them with some educational shit. “Did you know that 72 percent of American households play video and computer games?” Yeah, that probably won’t work. Instead try this: go to happy hour together and then proceed to get so shit-faced that the only cure is to drink more alcohol. Then he/she’ll be so drunk OR hungover that he won’t be able to play straight anymore. At least they’ll have a different kind of social problem that you get to be a part of. Solved.
4) The McZombie
Description: Not much explanation necessary. Considering 1 in 4 Americans visit a fast food restaurant daily, your chances of running into this zombie is…well 25% every day.
Method of infection: Massive advertising campaigns that are designed to be extremely far-reaching and find you no matter what you’re doing or where you’re at. This zombie is unique in the sense that it doesn’t turn people into more “McZombies” but rather into drones which behave the way a normal infecting zombie would. These drones will be another form of advertising and help usher people into fast food restaurants, thus continuing the cycle.
Defense: Unless you intend to dig a tunnel system and live underground like District 13, there’s no escape from the advertising. The only effective way to defend this incredibly effective onslaught is to go back to grade school and pack your lunch. Take this opportunity to be the Original Hipster and put those vintage lunchboxes back to use as a lunch box. Be sure to say things like “mmMMMMMmmmmm, this PB&J sandwich is SOOO much tastier than a #3 with coke” and “Check out how awesome my Transformers lunch box is! I bet [fast food restaurant here] doesn’t have a toy that measures up to this!” Jealousy is your main weapon. Be sure to pack some badass meals, I recommend a full T-bone steak instead of PB&J.
5) Couch Zombie
Description: Limited movement and almost impossible to provoke unless the television in front of it is turned off or channel is changed to something like Lifetime.
Method of infection: They watch awesome television shows like The Walking Dead or Sons of Anarchy and you’re just passing through the room when something awesome happens. It doesn’t take much, and it’s extremely effective. They conveniently leave an open space next to them on the couch/floor for you, calling and beckoning you to sit and watch.
Defense: Probably the most effective and deadly zombie out there. Unless you throw your television out and block all the webTV sites you can think of there’s no help for you. In essence, sit down, put your feet up and enjoy zombiehood.
Welcome to the family